"So, what's wrong with his mom?"
"How did his mom get pregnant?"
"Why did his mom give him up?"
"Where's his mom?"
Yes, we have been asked all of these questions. I try to put the best construction on it - people mean well, at least most do. They are curious. They may not know anyone else who has ever adopted. I get that. I am not writing this to chastise those who have asked these questions. I am writing this to start conversations about how we speak about birthmothers.
As a pro-life person, I need to make sure the words I use to others reinforce the life message and not demean it. The more our culture allows the stigma on birthmothers to continue, the more babies will die from abortion. When we began our adoption journey, I didn't know people would be so pro-us adopting and so anti-birthmother choosing adoption. It didn't even cross my mind until those questions starting flying at us.
The tiger mom in me wants to call them out for what they are - they be fightin' words.
First, I am "his mom." If you ask a question about the woman who birthed him, please call her "his birthmother" or "his biological mother."
But more importantly, our son's birthmother is just off limits when it comes to anything which could be construed as being negative. First of all, her life and her story is none of your business. I don't really mean to sound harsh, but maybe this situation calls for a little harshness. Secondly, no matter what you assume about her life, you can't talk bad about her around us. You can't insinuate bad things about her. You shouldn't even think bad things about her. But since we can't control your thoughts, we will just settle on you not saying them out loud, m'kay? She birthed our son. She sacrificed her sleep, her body, her mind, her heart - for our son (hers and ours). She is off limits.
By allowing those questions to be asked, we are perpetuating some very dangerous thoughts.
For example, no one ever asks us about his biological father. They don't say, "Why did his mom and dad give him up?" Why do they leave out the elephant-in-the-room father figure? Well, because usually there is not one to be spoken of, but that does not give us the right to continue to assume there is some strange sperm donor who has no place in a child's life. If we want fathers to matter, we need to say they matter. We need to be just as concerned about the loss of his biological father as we are his biological mother. Granted, it is still none of your business what happened to either of them, but the point remains the same - in asking the question but avoiding the father, we are saying they don't matter.
When our culture allows these questions, we allow false insinuations to enter the ears of our young women. Why would she tell anyone if she was unexpectedly pregnant and scared? She knows she cannot raise this child, but she doesn't want people to think those things about her. Abortion seems easier than adoption. Why wouldn't she just take a pill to get rid of the problem? No one would ever know. That time she heard someone say, "How could she give him up? I just couldn't do that," rings in her ears. And the cycle continues. If adoption is a non-choice, abortion will continue to be the-choice.
So, what do we do about it?
We tell people how to talk about adoption.
We give them the language - call me "the mom," call her "the birthmother;" the birthmother does not give up her child, she chooses a family for her child; there is nothing "wrong" with her, she has reasons she was unable to parent.
We give them the questions - ask, "I love hearing adoption stories...would you like to tell me yours?" and be content with the extent of the answer. Most of us love to share our stories, and we will leave out the parts you shouldn't or can't know.
We tell them the truth - outside of situations where parental rights have been terminated for abuse and neglect, birthmothers are self-sacrificing heroes for their children.
We remind them of the loss - the most natural and wonderful place for a child is with his biological mother and father.
We focus them on the gain - children are given homes with mothers and fathers who love them and serve them and parents are given the blessing of children.
Being pro-life is being pro-adoption.
Being pro-adoption is being pro-birthmothers choosing adoption.
