*Disclaimer - I am going to be brutally honest about some topics people are not usually brutally honest about. If you don't want to read about sex and hormones and birth and death, you probably should stop here.
When my husband and I were engaged, we talked extensively about our desire for children someday - both biological and adopted. We knew the someday would come when we were ready for such a feat, but we knew the "someday" was not as newlyweds.
I mean, I was in the middle of graduate school.
My husband was relocating to live with me in an apartment the size of our current living room.
My husband didn't have a job and I was a graduate assistant.
This was not the time. We both knew it.
So, a couple months before getting married, I talked to a doctor about the best ways to prevent pregnancy once we were married. The doctor gave me her advice (the Nuva Ring), and told me to try it before the wedding, so my body would be ready.
And I did.
Phew, that was a rough patch in our soon-to-be-married relationship, because I. Was. Hormonally. Crazy.
Throw-the-scrambled-eggs-across-the-room-because-they-made-me-angry CRAZY. Yes, that did happen.
My fiance gently said, "Honey, do you think maybe you should try something else?"
It scared me how much that drug controlled me, when in fact, I was using it to control me. That is what birth control does. You think you are controlling baby-making, but really it is controlling you and your cycle and your emotions and your life and your relationship.
Long story short, we made the decision to just do barrier method for pregnancy prevention.
Something had always sort of seemed wrong to me about using "barrier methods," but I didn't exactly know why I felt that way. As a woman who waited until marriage to have sex with my husband, it just seemed WAY more "I have sex with lots of people so I don't want their body to touch me" than I was really wanting in a marriage. It seemed cold and distant...and sort of a passion buzzkill, right?
But, alas, I wasn't doing any hormone drugs and I was determined to not have babies yet, so barrier it was.
My husband found a job. I graduated with my master's degree. He was accepted to seminary. We moved to a real adult-sized apartment. I got a real adult-sized job.
WE decided it was time. We had always talked about adopting before having biological children. So, we started down the foster care/adoption road (or more like a dirt path with humongous potholes and giant hills). We did the classes. We did the homestudies. We did the paperwork. We got approved.
. . . . . . .
Yep. . . just waiting here . . .
All the while, barrier method it was. We were in control of the situation. We were trying to adopt a child who needed a family. We were being good people...doing good things for the world. And we were controlling the pregnancy situation.
And we were still waiting. The system is broken. Adoption is a hard road. There is so much heartache involved. But gloriously, then it happened. A young girl, 13 months old, Hispanic, beautiful. She was going to be ours.
But, did I mention the system is broken? She ended up somewhere else.
Insert tears. Lots of tears here. The system may have been broken, but it was not as broken as me.
After the shock wore off, my husband and I decided it was time. We were taking control of the situation, and we were going to get pregnant. The system can't take away our conceived baby like it took away what we thought was our baby.
One month later, I was with child. See, we were in control. We stopped preventing and it happened. In our minds, that is how birth control worked.
We told our families. We prepared our lives. We ate the right foods. We visited the doctor to confirm. We took the right prenatal vitamins. We were a family of three. It was awesome.
We walked into that first ultrasound (approximately 10 weeks pregnant) holding hands and smiling. I had played the whole scene in my head. I knew enough pregnant ladies and I had seen enough movies to know what to expect here. A black and white screen. A round circle with a budding little human. A heartbeat visible with little lines. The kiss and smile from the husband. The "Oh, that is our baby!" The tears. The whole thing. I knew.
Except that wasn't what happened. Well, there was the black and white screen. Then.
Well, then there was silence.
And then there was the kiss from the husband, but no smile attached.
And then there were the tears.
This. This I did not expect. This I did not know.
The apologies. The explanations. The planned surgery. It was all a blur after that black and white screen.
I was no longer in control of the situation.
Little did I know at the time, but I had never been in control of the situation. We are led to believe in this "obviously everyone uses some sort of birth control world" that we are in control. The fact is, the only control we have is the control to prevent or end a pregnancy. That isn't control.
Our miscarriage made my whole worldview get flipped. We did it by the book. We waited until we were married. We waited until we were "ready." Then, our baby dies. Let me say it again, THAT is NOT control.
So, why don't we prevent pregnancy anymore? Well, there are a lot of reasons. The biggest reason is because birth control and barrier methods made us sin against the first commandment. We were not loving and trusting God above all else when we were "controlling" the situation. We were creating our own god of the family we wanted and when we wanted it. Every reason we had for preventing pregnancy was selfish. Do I believe there are circumstances in some marriages which necessitate preventing pregnancy? Yes. Most certainly. But we don't have any of those and we never have. All we had were excuses for a lack of trust.
We have now been blessed with three more children (one through adoption shortly after our miscarriage and two biological). They are all three and under. I get the usual, "You're done now, right? You have had your girl now. Three is enough. Your hands are full." comments. I smile and say, "We will see what God decides."
Behind that smile and statement is a WHOLE LOT OF FEAR...
How can I buckle ANOTHER one into a carseat?
Who will help me in church?
What if I am sick for the first 35 weeks of another pregnancy?
AHHHHHHHH.....
I am not without those thoughts. I live with them daily. Obeying the first commandment is not something I am very good at.
As a breastfeeding mom who has not gotten her period back, I make it a policy to take one pregnancy test every month. Breastfeeding and postpartum hormones will get you to believing you are pregnant everyday. It is crazy what we can make ourselves believe about symptoms. So, once a month, I wait those three-five minutes. I go in thinking, "Oh. My. Goodness. Please be negative. I need some sleep. I need a shower. I need to be able to pee by myself." Then, the one line shows up and tells me I am not pregnant.
Something strange happens in that moment. I feel sadness. I feel a sense of loss. And then I know. I know another carseat will fit in that van. I know a friend will join me in church. I know my husband will hold my hair back during first trimester puking. I know if God so chooses, I will be overjoyed to welcome another life into this family.
Being in control is terrible. Actually, no - thinking you are in control when you really aren't is terrible.
So, even though I was never able to meet our first child, Jovi still taught me as much as my other children have. Jovi changed my view of control.
