People say you grow into motherhood as you go and grow into the number of children you have as you add them. Such is true for me.
I remember when Solomon was six weeks old. My husband turned to me one night and said, "Can you believe we have kept him alive this long?" He wasn't kidding. And I didn't take it as a joke. I couldn't believe it either. We actually managed to get ourselves together enough to sustain a human being's life for six weeks. It felt pretty good.
I laugh at that story now - three years and two more babies later. Can you believe we have kept three alive this long? Wow!
It makes me think about the mother I always wanted to be...
The one I am so far from becoming.
When I talk about my failures as a mother, the majority of people say, "It's OK. That happens to all of us. You are so busy with three. You are only human." There is the problem. I am human, stuck in this human condition. But in no way does that make my failures "OK."
They are anything but OK.
Being OK means they are acceptable.
It is not OK that I yell at my children.
It is not OK that I choose my phone over my children.
It is not OK that I prefer their naptime to their awake time.
Those things are normal. They are not, however, OK. They are not acceptable.
As I am growing into motherhood, I am learning more and more about my failures. I am learning how to fail openly and repent gracefully. I am learning how to guard my own tongue as much as I guard their little ears and eyes. I am learning to avoid saying, "It's ok," to other mothers, and instead replace it with, "You are forgiven."
As I struggle each day keeping three human beings alive, I am reminded that growing into motherhood is a lifelong journey. These failures of mine will continue. I don't fear that, because I know where my Peace rests. It rests in my forgiveness.
