When I was an art major in college, we had an assignment to create a three dimensional self-portrait. A fellow classmate of mine made a wooden and metal upper body with ten arms. She was a waitress at the time, and she felt like that was a good representation of a balancing act of life for her. Each arm carried a different load, and all were working jobs unknown to the others.
I don't remember many art projects from college. I barely remember what I made, nevertheless, someone else's.
But this image has stuck with me throughout my life. I keep feeling like the waitress with ten arms.
Only I have two.
And although I think any woman at any stage in life with any amount of challenges and blessings could honestly feel like the waitress with ten arms, I certainly know that the ones with small children feel that way. Each of my children take two arms in and of themselves. My husband deserves two, as well.
Even if I was nothing else in the world, I would already have eight of my arms occupied.
The phrase I hear all too often - "Boy, you have your hands full!" - is actually pretty accurate.
Recently, I have really been struggling to find a balance in my life. As my eight arms were flipping around caring for those I have been given, my other two were full of a smartphone and a social network.
The more I told myself I needed those things to be a better mom, the more I made up excuses to let them be the arms I went to quickest. Like any addiction, I found ways to tell myself it wasn't an addiction.
"I deserve a break. I work hard."
"If I just escape here for a few minutes, I will be a better mom later."
"There are people out there that need me. I am just doing this for them."
There is a little truth in every excuse.
I do deserve breaks.
I do work hard.
I am a better mom when I take them.
There are people who benefit from my use of social networks.
But I just kept using those two arms to help me avoid the challenges I was facing with the other eight.
And as long as one of those arms was holding a smartphone, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop interrupting my life to live my virtual life. So, I did something drastic.
I bought a dumbphone.
It makes calls.
And it tells me the time.
It is so boring my hand doesn't even hold it anymore. Sometimes I go places without it! GASP!
I am not as accessible to my friends and family on facebook because of this decision. I am not as supportive, because I don't know everything going on. I lack in my updates for those who love to know about my life. In these ways, I am less of a friend. I struggled with that decision.
In the end, I had to realize that there is an order of the importance of my vocations. All vocations are important, and certain ones take precedence over the others.
I am a wife and mother before I am a friend.
And although I wanted to perfectly fulfill all my vocations, I knew that by trying to pay equal attention to all of my arms, I was actually not paying enough attention to any of them.
Now, I have a free hand where my smartphone used to be.
I use it to push the swing at the park a little longer and soak in the moment.
I use it to cook a beautiful dinner for my husband without sharing it with the world.
I use it to take breaks that are actually refreshing to me.
I am no saint.
My dumbphone does not make me a better mom.
I still choose other things over the vocations God has given me.
I still want to sneak away when it gets tough and melt away into endless updates from the social media world.
And sometimes I do that.
On this side of eternity, I will always be the waitress with ten arms. I will always choose the arms that are best for me and not best for another. I will always find ways to mess up the gifts God gives me.
I am thankful my joy and my self-worth has nothing to do with my SELF.
It has everything to do with the Man with two arms stretched open wide and nailed to a cross.
