Reality: Wait on the Lord

In reading an article written about God making us wait for our prayers to be answered, I found myself hoping and anticipating for so much more than what was given.  Feel free to read it to give yourself some context as to what I am referring to, but do not take that as my endorsement of the whole article.

The author begins with this:

"Jesus could have come and healed Lazarus when he was still alive.
Instead, He waited to raise him from the dead when he was already in his grave.

God could have made David become king the day after he was anointed.
Instead, He waited 15 years to rise to the throne, many of those years spent fearing for his life, hiding out and running away from his own father-in-law.

God could have spoken to Moses in the desert about sending him to help free His people from slavery 40 days after he ran away from Egypt.
Instead, He made him wait for 40 long years.

God could have gotten Joseph out of prison one year after he was sentenced there.
Instead, he was stuck in that dungeon for 10 years before he was finally set free.

God could have given Abraham the son He promised him when he was still a young man.
Instead, He waited until he was 100 years old and because of physical reasons would have a more difficult time conceiving at that age.

God could have answered prayers and met the needs of these men of God much quicker, but He didn’t."

While all this is true, the author goes on to use these people as examples of why God is making us wait in our prayer life.  The connotation being that the thing in which we are praying for will eventually come if we keep praying for it.

In fact, what these events from the Bible do is exactly what our prayers should do - point us to Christ.

Everything in human history leading up to Christ's death and resurrection was leading toward and pointing to the Messiah.
When Christ lived on earth prior to His crucifixion, all the moments of His life were leading toward and pointing to Him as true God and Man, the eventual sacrifice in our place.
After His ascension into heaven, the rest of human history still points toward Him.
That is the way we must read the Bible - Christ as the center and direction of all of history.

Are these true stories from the Bible good illustrations of waiting?  Yes.

But they are not illustrations of waiting on our prayers to be answered; they are signs that our prayers have been answered in Christ - the Messiah who came, is coming, and will come again.

When we start to say things like the author of this article does -

"If He is telling you 'no' today, maybe it's because He has a better 'yes' waiting for you tomorrow.
If He is keeping you in the same place you've always been today, maybe it's because He's helping build your faith before you enter your Promised Land tomorrow.
If He is not healing you or bringing you victory today, maybe it's because you will have a greater testimony when He waits to help you be an overcomer tomorrow...
Don't give up just because you don't see anything happening today."

- we make ourselves like God (or like Job's friends), making our will what we are actually waiting for instead of His will, and we turn away from Biblical truths and instead to motivational speeches.

The fact is He may not give us what we desire.  The hard truth is we may feel like we are waiting in anguish for our entire lives.  The earthly answers given to those men in the Bible are signs of Christ and God's promises.  As Christians, we are thankful for their fulfillment as they lead us to Him, but we are not God, and many times our will is not His.

Does this mean we stop praying for our desires?  By no means!

God hears the prayers of those who call on His Name.
God tells us to cry out to Him.
Christ stands as our Mediator, perfecting our prayers as they reach His ears.

We indeed know this to be true; and therefore, we keep dropping to our knees and pleading for mercy.  Not because we know tomorrow may be brighter, but because we know what has already been accomplished for us through Him and who He is for us now.

But I have to admit tomorrow will be better - when He appears and we shall see Him as He is.
Tomorrow will be better - as He may not change the outward circumstance, but does promise to change our inward anxiety into a peace that passes all understanding.
Tomorrow will be better - as we pray for Him to continually reform our will to line up with His good and gracious will. 

These men of the Bible point us to Christ and to the truth that God is faithful to His promises.
That is the faith of those great men.

A faith given by God and sustained by Him...in those sinful men and in sinful me who hates waiting.
A faith He sustains until the final day when all the pain and suffering of this life will be gone, and I won't have to wait anymore.
A faith that crumbles inside my sinful body in times of great despair, and yet stands firm with Christ, who didn't wait on me, but died for me while I was yet His enemy.
A faith that brings us to sing as we wait,

"Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Helper of the helpless, Lord, abide with me."
            - Abide with Me, Henry F. Lyte, 1847

A faith that knows that He indeed does abide with me as I wait.
A faith that keeps pointing me and leading me back to Christ so that I know who I am waiting for.

A faith that recognizes these present truths and the ones I await -

I am raised from the dead just like Lazarus,
I will be crowned just like David,
I have been lead out of slavery and will be brought into the Promised Land just like Moses, who did receive his eternal Promised Land,
I am set me free just like Joseph,

AND all this because I have been given the Son He promised just like Abraham.

Reality: I don't enjoy every minute.

"You will never have this day with your children again.  Tomorrow they'll be a little older than they were today.  This day is a gift.  Just breathe, notice, study their faces and little feet.  Pay Attention.  Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today, it will be over before you know it."
~Unrealistic platitude with unknown author

Many wiser (and older) women seem to share phrases, quotes, or memes with similar contexts - your children are only little for a short while, and this time will never come again, so enjoy every minute.

I think there are some really great points about this type of thinking that should be taken to heart as a younger and less wise mother, such as myself.  The fact is I don't often remember to just enjoy my children's curiosity.  I don't relax and breathe through the tough moments.  I actually choose to completely ignore my children more often than I should and more often than I want to.  I don't look at my days as gifts when I haven't showered or left the house...or maybe even more when I haven't showered and yet been forced to leave the house.  I already see my oldest (4) as a grown child, and I have no idea how he got there - his little feet aren't so little anymore.  The time has been over before I even knew it.

There is wisdom in those thoughts.  I need to remember them as I trudge through the monotonous trenches that are raising all littles all the time.

AND...

It is unwise to give such advice, comments, and statements without a recognition of the obvious -
Some days and some moments all we want as moms is for it to be over before we know it.
All we want is for them to be a little older than they are today.
Some days feel like the gifts you receive from someone who doesn't actually know you or your desires at all.
Some days are UNenjoyable.

And when we are in those moments, platitudes about how wonderful our lives are now and how much we will miss it someday don't give us hope or encourage us.  In fact, they do the opposite.

Although, even though all my children are young, I am beginning to forget some of the worst days.  Some battles you face as a parent are better off forgotten, and somehow that happens.  You begin to remember those days as a quick passing and remember the good moments - the moments where you were able to relax and breathe and just study their little features and their little minds.  And I truly believe that the older and wiser moms and grandmas who share such quotes are at a place where they have forgotten those trenches and realize that they pass quickly from your mind once they are over.

Those trenches of motherhood were real to them in the moment, too.  We all have them.  And I, for one, am glad to know that even through the trenches, these women remember the joy.  I want to remember all the joyous moments, because they are plentiful.  I want to relish in the moment, and when I have my worst ones, I want to know that someday I won't remember that part.

But I also want to be the older and wiser grandma who looks at my daughter(s) and daughters-in-law and says,

"Phew...it is HARD, isn't it, honey?  I know.  I remember.
AND isn't it wonderful?  I know.  I remember.  You will, too.
Now, you go get some coffee by yourself while I relax, pay attention, examine their little feet, and relish in the charms of the present."

Reality: Sex is Better than a Smartphone

At my regular OB appointment for this pregnancy, I was perusing the provided Parents magazine in the waiting room.  This is what I saw in big, bold letters in a box meant to grab everyone's attention:

4 in 10 moms would rather go without sex for a month than give up their smartphone.

This statistic was backed by a Parents magazine survey and article titled, "Millenials Amplified: The Mom Factor."  I didn't look it up or read more into it.  I really didn't need to.

I won't even begin to go into how reputable I believe this type of survey to be, because frankly, it doesn't matter.  The point is that there is a prevalent thinking in our culture that sex isn't really for women and more of a prize to be given to men when they are good.  

This is a harmful and incorrect view of sex.  It harms marriages.  It harms men. It harms women. It harms families.  It harms single people.  It harms society.

So, what do we do?  Well, some pastors write provocative sermons about "40 Days of Sex" or some other eye and ear-catching title, where they tell married couples to have sex everyday for 40 days.  And while I certainly think pretty good things could come from a married couple having sex everyday for 40 days, the point about sex is really lost when we make it a law to be fulfilled everyday.  

Does God tell us to have sex with our spouses?  Yes.  

"The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.  Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."  1 Corinthians 7:3-5

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."  Genesis 2:24

"And God blessed them.  And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth..."  Genesis 1:28

But does God give us sex with our spouses as a gift?  Yes.

"Let your fountain be blessed, 

and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

a lovely deer, 

a graceful doe.

Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;

be intoxicated always in her love."

Proverbs 5:18-19

Or just read all of Song of Solomon and try not to blush.  A few examples - 

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!

For your love is better than wine."

Song of Solomon 1:2

"Awake, O north wind,

and come, O south wind!

Blow upon my garden, 

let its spices flow.

Let my beloved come to his garden,

and eat its choicest fruits."

Song of Solomon 4:16

The fact is that in this world, we try to make what God gives us as gifts into laws and we try to make God's laws into something that we can pick and choose.  Both of these hurt us and our relationships.  God's laws and God's gifts are equally good, and sometimes one in the same - His laws are gifts.

God doesn't say to us that sex in marriage is for when we feel passionate for one another.  He doesn't tell us it is for only when we haven't sinned against each other.  He doesn't say it is for the days when you aren't annoyed about something to do with your spouse.  

He says you are one flesh.  That one flesh being a law and a gift.  So, the desires of your husband's or wife's heart and body are, in fact, your desires.  

So, if those 4 in 10 women who would prefer to give up sex over their smartphone are single, more power to them.  Thanks for choosing the right path.

But if you are married, I encourage you to put the smartphone down for a little while, maybe even everyday, to be "intoxicated always" (Proverbs 5:19) in your husband or wife.  

Reality: There is more to pro-life than clicking "share."

Abortion is hands-down one of the sickest atrocities our world has ever encountered.  The killing of human life for the gain of self is a god unlike any other.

It says our lives and our wants are more important than another human being's.

It is the ultimate form of segregation and ageism and sexism and racism and classism and discrimination.

It says a different group of human life is less important.
It says humans who are younger than us are expendable.
It says that if the sex of another doesn't fit your lifestyle, then you can kill them.
It kills way more of certain races than others, and pretends it doesn't happen that way.
It preys on the poor who feel they have no other option.
It tempts the rich who feel they don't want that kind of lifestyle.
It kills the weak or disabled because of fear in caring for them.

It is evil.

We should all be sharing everything we can about how disgustingly evil it is, because group-think matters.  The culture needs to know there is a huge uprising of young and old, churched and unchurched who do not stand for this.  Share and share alike, please.

Click share.  Please.

But we have to take a minute to step back from our easily seated computer chairs and think about what pro-life means in the world.  The statistics are out there - millions of babies are killed all the time...thousands per day.  There is a lot of human life to care for and raise in those millions of babies.

Now, the truth is that many of those children would not even exist if abortion was unavailable, as full-term pregnancies would slow the rate of multiple abortions, miscarriages and stillborn babies would sadly end the lives of some, early death from diseases may occur for ill children, and people's sexual activity choices would ultimately have more consequence and change some behavior.

But that does not and will not account for all the millions.  We have to be serious about more than just hitting a share button about how bad abortion is.  There is work to be done for those women, men, and children who are hurting in unbelievable situations, facing pregnancies with stories that could fill biographies.

Changing a culture's mindset about abortion is vitally important,
AND
caring for that changed culture in its birth pains is a vital follow-up.

Putting our money where our mouth is.  Putting our actions where our shares are.

It means donating funds to pregnancy centers, it means giving to organizations who support families, it means considering adoption and foster care for your family, it means buying a pack of diapers for that single mom you know, it means encouraging that man you know to love and care for the mother of his child, it means giving of your time to relieve burdened single mothers or fathers, it means supporting serious, manageable, and pro-life healthcare options with your votes.

It means a lot of things.  It means loving life - loving in the sense of showing action in caring for it. That is pro-life.

Don't know what to do?  Start here.
Donate money to any of these places:

Bethany Christian Services 
This is the organization we adopted through and they provided counseling and services for the birthmother.

Swaddling Clothes
A great organization providing monthly help to young families.  Just contact whichever location you would like to donate to from the list.  If you are local to them, they take all sorts of gently used items.  If not, they always need money for diapers, formula, or other items.

A Place of Refuge
Read about them.  They are awesome and found in southern Wisconsin.  They provide a home for women facing pregnancies with challenges.

OR:
- Ask your pastor about local pregnancy resource centers you can donate to.
- Give a donation to a friend or acquaintance who is adopting.
- Give food to food drives.
- Send an anonymous gift or money order to someone you know who is facing an unexpected pregnancy or a young parent struggling financially.


Just look for opportunities to support life.  Those opportunities are abounding.  And if we get what we want and what is right - the end of abortion - there will be more opportunities to support even more precious lives.  What a joy to be surrounded by such opportunities!

Reality: It is okay to be someone's dependent.

Our culture is obsessed with independence, so much so that the notion of being dependent on another is considered archaic, old-fashioned, and just too risky to handle.  But really it is only considered these things when you are talking marriage, because our culture finds dependence on government, credit and loans, and other various things acceptable and a part of life.  But dependence on a husband?  Oh no.

I admit it can be scary.  There are risks involved.  I am completely dependent upon my husband.  I earn no money, I have no self-provided insurance, I am pregnant with another child, and I don't take out the trash or change cat litter.  My life would be in turmoil should I lose him (and for more reasons than just those).  And I am certainly not only discussing if I should lose him in death.  Because marriage comes with a risk - a risk that the oath made by one can be broken.

But that is a Christian marriage.  We believe we become one flesh when God joins us together.  The risk of marriage is real.  There is a pretty sure 100% chance that you will be hurt at some point, the amount of hurt may vary, but no one escapes some pains of this one flesh union.

But if we really consider what we say when we say "one flesh," we can simply look at how we treat our own flesh.  Our flesh fails us, daily and much.  It aches, it does not perform the way we hope and pray it will, it lets us down in times of need, and it just plain acts like flesh.  But when it does these things, we don't run to the doctor and say, "Go ahead and cut off my arm, because it has really been a pain in my neck...I am tired of dealing with it."  Of course not.  We run to the doctor and say, "How can you help me?  I need my arm.  I am dependent on it.  I need to have a good relationship with it."

And not because it always treated you well, but because it is your flesh...the one God gave you.  You cherish it and fight for it and defend it.  You depend on it.

And you know what the joy of marriage is?
That arm depends on you, too.

Being dependent on someone does not make you less than them.  It does not mean you are worth less in the relationship.  It does not mean you are weak.  It means you understand being one flesh.  It means you take that arm to workouts and doctors.  You wrap it and tenderly care for it when it has hurt you.  You let it depend on you for strength and care and love.

It is okay to be someone's dependent.
Being someone's dependent is my greatest vocation.  

Reality: I don't know how I do it either.

In the grocery store, at church, at the farmer's market - 

"Are these all yours?  WOW!  I don't know how you do it."

Neither do I, stranger.  Neither do I.

I don't even have that big of a family.  A fourth on the way.  That is certainly on track for what constitutes a BIG family today, but I still know lots of people with more kids than me.  And coincidentally, I don't know how they do it, either.

Our culture has raised us to be pretty large-family ignorant.  We just don't know much about how that kind of unit functions.  We know involvement in every after-school activity.  We know paying for trendy clothes.  We know 10-year-olds with iPhones.  We know 6000 channels at the push of a button.  We know 2.2 children, maybe.

Nothing is inherently wrong with those things.  They just aren't usually part of the larger family language.  Things change.  Extracurricular activities are limited to one passion and the chaos of your own backyard with all your built-in friends (siblings).  Clothes are generally handed down multiple times, even in disregard of the poor little brother in the pink, fluffy snowsuit.  iPhones are replaced with the rule of never leaving the house without at least one more sibling.  6000 channels are replaced by 6000 brothers and sisters!  HA.

OK, I joke in some ways, but it is only funny because it is true.  Our understanding of how we do it with more than 2 kids is like a foreign language.  

And I think that is one of the hardest things about raising a larger family.  It isn't the cost.  It isn't the chaos.  It isn't the questions from everyone else.  

It is the culture shock of the new language.  That is why larger families seem so foreign in society.  They just speak a different language.  One that is pretty much indiscernible by those who have not learned it by living it.  So, when you ask me how I do it, I just look at you dumbfounded.  So many things about my life and my daily routine and my choices and my lifestyle are so far from what they were five years ago, and yet the changes have happened in incremental ways as more children have come.  How do I answer that?  I don't know.  

I don't know how I do it.  

I do know that sometimes I totally rock at it.

I also know that sometimes I totally fail at it.

When we say things like, "I don't know how you do it..." we are usually referencing some terrible event someone has undergone in their life that they are overcoming OR we are referencing what a miraculous and wonderful person someone is in a given job or accomplishment.

Neither of those really apply to my daily parenting.  I am neither overcoming a terrible event or being some saint of a person.  Believe me on that second one.  For sures.

All I am doing is living life as it comes along, one child at a time.  I am learning a new language everyday - one that makes me such a wildly different parent throughout my parenting years.  I am quite sure my future self won't even be able to understand my current self.  

And that is okay.  

I don't need to know how I do it.  

Reality: I didn't sleep train, and my kids are ok.

Every once in awhile I get really wrapped up in people's comments about sleep methods for kids.  The truth is that we have routines (usually) and keep set bedtimes and nap times (usually), but for the most part, we don't do much sleep training in the form of methods.  Usually, things I do are pretty against most methods...

I nursed both of my nursing babies to sleep for naps and at bedtime (and whenever they screamed during the night) until I weaned them between 15 and 18 months.

I gave my formula fed baby a bottle anytime he wanted it, and even at night.

I rarely, if ever, let my kids cry for longer than five minutes (and that was only if I could hold out that long).

All of them have spent some amount of time co-sleeping (mostly due to me falling asleep while feeding them), but mostly they slept in their own cradles or cribs (six months in our room, and then booted out to their own room).

I have no problem if you have chosen another way for your family, and I certainly do not mean to even insinuate that what I think you are doing is wrong.  I don't.  I am simply shouting out to those silent and exhausted ones who choose a path like mine.

YOUR CHILDREN WILL SLEEP.
DON'T THINK YOU ARE FAILING BECAUSE YOUR KID WAKES UP 8 TIMES PER NIGHT.

There, was that loud enough?  I know you sit back, trying to avoid conversations about it at times because everyone has something to say about your kids who wake up throughout the night.

"Your kid will never be able to get to sleep on their own."
"Don't you want your child to learn this skill set?"
"Will they be sleeping with you until they are teenagers?"

Here is how it has worked out for me, just to let you know that you are doing ok.

I have three kids and one on the way.

The first was adopted (and obviously formula fed after the few weeks of donated breastmilk we received from friends).  He didn't "sleep through the night" (for me, that counts as a straight 7-8 hours) for the first time until about eight months.  Until then, he was up pretty much every three hours.  By the time number two came along (and he was 13.5 months), he was sound asleep for like a straight 12 hours almost all the time.  He is four-and-a-half now, and rarely ever wakes in the middle of the night.  He wakes up with the sun in the morning, but the boy sleeps well and in his own bed all night long.  He puts himself to sleep after our prayers and devotions.  He is a rockstar, except for the 5:45 AM wake-up calls.

Number two was a bit more traumatic for us.  He was a terrible napper and terrible sleeper.  It was brutal.  The first time he ever slept through the night was at 11 months, one time, and then not again until he did it more consistently at about 13 months.  By the time number three came along (when he was one month shy of two), he was rocking at sleeping.  He is still tougher than our first in terms of sleep, but that three-and-a-half year old goes a solid 12 hours at night by himself in his bed most nights.  He wakes up more often now to potty, but pretty much settles back into bed by himself.  He shares a room with his older brother, and they go to bed together.  All is well.

Number three was brutal, too.  She followed almost the exact same timeline as number two, but never got in a good sleeping groove until about 15-16 months.  She is 20 months now, and I can't remember the last time I got up in the middle of the night with her, and she goes down for naps and bedtime awake and does her own thing.

During all of that time, I had people giving me 10,000 different ways to make my kids sleep.  I didn't try all 10,000, but I did do my fair share...I was distraught.  I was embarrassed.  I was sure everyone else knew how to handle sleep better than me.  And quite frankly, everyone seemed to act that way.  Mostly, I was sure I had screwed up my kids and their sleep forever, because clearly they will never learn to sleep if I don't begin from the moment they are born.  But it just didn't end up that way for us.  Three of them now, with different stories and different personalities and different sleep patterns, but all doing just fine.  And I am still alive, to boot!

My point is this -
Raising kids is brutal, whether you sleep train them or not.  The fact is that you will be exhausted whether or not you ever sleep through the night again.  But sleep training or the lack thereof does not determine your child's success in life, nor does it determine your success in parenting.